Worzel's World - Whatever happened to…

I am of an age now that I have on the odd occasion buckled under the pressure to attend reunions – school and otherwise. Where once I attended 21st birthdays and weddings I now more frequently attend 40th’s, 50th’s and funerals. On such occasions it is customary to drink beer and play games with the living ghosts of people from the past that I only ever see at such functions. The names of these games are ‘Remember when’ and ‘Whatever happened to‘. It is sometimes sad to learn of the fate of many who feature in the ‘Remember when’s’ after their names crop up again in the ‘Whatever happened to‘s’. 

A good portion of those whose weddings I have attended are now divorced. Some old friends and acquaintances have prospered. Others have been sucked down by the quicksand of debt. Some are happy, some sad, and more than a few are dead. 

My peers and I, though, had one thing in common. We were part of the first television generation. The box was an insidious habit that I have since kicked, but I cannot help wonder what the story would be if we played ‘Whatever happened to’ with the fictional characters that populated our television childhood had they continued on into today’s world.

Some ‘Whatever happened to’s’ are easy. Undoubtedly the Dukes of Hazzard would have been bankrupted by outstanding traffic fines and would now reside in Guantanamo Bay as suspected terrorists; Daisy, after developing a nasty drug habit, forced into prostitution. 

Andy Griffith, I suspect, would have resigned from the sheriff’s office due to corporate pressure and Maybury, a property developers dream, made into a gated community for the elite.

Wile E. Coyote did much better. Hiring a team of mercenaries he finally caught the Road Runner only to find the meat tough and tasteless. He later became Senator for Arizona. 

Daffy, on the other hand did not fare so well. After one misadventure too many, he is now a dead duck.

Bugs Bunny achieved a little fame at the end of his career by contributing to the contents of a ‘game pie’ on Master Chef.

The Waltons fell on hard times. After felling, milling and selling the lumber on Waltons Mountain they were still unable to meet the ever-increasing interest payments on their mortgage. Following foreclosure John Boy went off to teach English in China and Mary Ellen had two children by two fathers and now lives in a trailer park.

Captain Kirk and the team aboard the starship ‘Enterprise’, eventually tired of ‘going where no man had gone before’. They returned to earth only to find that their fellow humans had become even nastier than the Klingons. Spock surmised 'It's life Jim, but not as we know it'. After beaming Scotty up, Spock navigated them at warp speed to his home planet of Vulcan, where everyone found their unusual ears very amusing – in a very rational and logical way, of course. 

The Little House on the Prairie was appropriated by the federal government who bulldozed it and built a military base in its place, whereas ‘Gigantor’ the space age robot was sold as scrap to China where he was eventually used to make i-Pods. 

Darren from Bewitched landed the Republican Party advertising contract and never looked back. But Samantha found his success insufferable and divorced him on grounds of irreconcilable differences. Endora prospered. Taking the name 'Condolisa' she used her occult powers to change into a black woman and become secretary of state in the Bush administration. This enabled her to be a complete witch on an international scale with hardly anyone ever noticing. 

Jeannie lost faith in the American dream and as time passed took more and more often to the bottle.

After the Cold War ended KAOS merged with Control to become leaders in commercial espionage. Maxwell and 99 were accused of selling the technology behind the shoe phone to Nokia. Nothing was ever proved. However conspiracy theorists point out that they probably don‘t brand them as smart phones for nothing.

Down on Sesame Street the days are less sunny, the air not so clean. Big Bird was rendered extinct after being caught in crossfire during a gang war between the Bloods and the Crips. Oscar the Grouch, after frequent arrests for drunkenness and vagrancy, overslept after an extended drinking bout and was crushed in a dumpster. They never did get past the letter M, everyone forgot how many is seven, and now nobody wants to know how to get to Sesame Street.
 

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