Ed Said: The big toilet paper caper

31 Jan, 2022

As of last week Northland is no longer New Zealand’s only red light district. After our brief spell at orange, the whole country has now been put to high alert and declared a ‘red zone’. What’s changed? Well, Omicron I guess. The arrival of this Covid variant had to happen sooner or later, so really is there any surprise the nation is back under the thumb? From what I’ve heard, not really. Most of the people I’ve spoken to have slipped back into red light mode easily.

For those of us in the north of course it’s as if we never left, and so we go about life as usual. Under red light there seemed few restraints anyway -- dinner out, shopping, socialising, sport. And without district borders life seems to be flowing almost as freely as it ever did, though a full Omicron lockdown could change all that.

In the wake of our return to red, and the imminent threat of Omicron, panic buyers have again stripped supermarkets bare across the country. Top of the shopping list? Toilet paper. Humans are strange creatures - so concerned with what goes in our mouths and how to clean up what comes out the other end.

Since the Coronavirus first appeared psychologists have been searching for reasons to account for our panic buying behaviour. Could it be we are less worried about the effects of the virus itself than we are with the sheer panic of being stuck on the toilet after pulling the last soft, absorbent square off the roll? Where the culture of supposed developed nations is one that embraces the use of toilet paper, it seems many are literally afraid of being caught with their pants down.

Experts around the world are fairly unanimous about the reasons for our feral behaviour when it comes to toilet paper - the ‘roll of gold’. Some say it symbolises control, that while the virus runs amok we still have the ability to wipe ourselves and take care of our hygiene.

There’s also comfort and security in bulk buying, knowing that when the time comes we have enough to last the journey. Compare that with the stress and anxiety of a flashing fuel light - a full tank is good for the soul.

Toilet paper also takes up a lot of shelf space. It doesn’t take long for rabid shoppers and their twin trolleys to leave them bare. Those visually bare shelves leave other shoppers with an unnecessary sense of loss, hopelessness, and unease.

But isn’t stocking up a completely sensible reaction to an impending crisis? Apparently so. In a legitimate ‘survival mode’ we want to feel like we are prepared for future threats, disruption to our freedom, danger and isolation by an unseen viral enemy. It’s all a reasonable and rational human response to what’s going on around us. So under those circumstances, and bearing in mind we always get a little more than we need, isn’t eight-dozen toilet rolls about right for a rainy day?

All these reasons are motivators for stockpiling. And even if we don’t need to, we still do it. Supermarkets have been quick to place buyer limits on certain products, and reassure shoppers that there is more than enough for everyone.

It's easy to smear the good name of the humble toilet roll, have it be the butt of jokes, but bear in mind it was once one of the main earners for what was New Zealand’s richest man in the 1980s. Toilet paper magnate John Spencer made hundreds of millions out of toilet paper after taking over the family business Caxton Pulp & Paper in 1981. Which just goes to show sticking your nose into other people’s business can really pay off.

Rich Pooley, Editor
info@mangawhaifocus.co.nz