Worzel's World- Warning-signs of the times

Life naturally progresses towards death. Things like tobacco, alcohol and government departments are generally acknowledged to hasten the process. The only real question is to what extent? 

It is an absurd practice: growing a plant, drying the leaves then setting fire to it and breathing in the resulting smoke. That it is injurious to health is obvious. No purely rational person would do such a thing, but thankfully no human being is purely rational. 

Likewise leaving vegetation to ferment in its own juices (possibly with added water and sugar) then drinking the resulting poison is equally crazy but it is also pretty good fun at parties.

And government departments? Like tobacco they have become too expensive to afford and can, like alcohol, give you a headache but without the redeeming feature of being fun. They should be banned immediately, but if we were to ban all things that are suspected of causing harm there wouldn’t be much left. 

For instance let’s compare tobacco and alcohol to cars regarding the extent of harm they can cause. It is possible to sit for hours in an unventilated garage drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes and the worst you might expect is to feel a little queasy the next morning. Do similar with a car idling away and the next morning you will feel nothing – you’ll be dead. Oil powered engine exhaust emissions are many times more toxic than cigarette smoke. So is it more harmful to smoke a cigarette or to drive in Auckland traffic for an hour? 

After billions of dollars of research, litigation, and taxes, we end up with warnings on cigarette packets. If you are too dumb to work out that smoking is bad for you it’s probably better for everyone if you die earlier rather than later. I smoke and I know I don’t need the warning on the packet. But where are the warnings on motor vehicles? Why is smoking singled out for this treatment?

There are many harmful things in life. Indeed living is such a perilous occupation that it kills everyone sooner or later. 

In spite of what politicians tell us, it is not a safe society. Nor is it a consistent one. My current packet of tobacco informs me that ‘Smoking causes mouth cancer’. I have just checked my mouth in the mirror and suspect it is chock full of cancer but I was unable to spot any like that depicted on the packet. My teeth and tongue get in the way. 

However I look at my computer and cannot find the warning ‘Computers cause frustration’ which is one we might expect. 

Beer, much maligned in these enlightened times should also carry warnings. ‘Beer causes bad jokes and stupidity’ would be one for those who indulge. ‘Beer drinking increases the risk of falling on your face’ is another that may assist those too lazy or stupid to think for themselves – this one could be accompanied by a photo of a smashed and bleeding nose. ‘Can impair aesthetic judgement’ would be a more helpful use of print than the silly questions inside the caps.

I am considering initiating a lobby group to press for legislation to have all whiskey bottles tagged with the warning ‘May cause violence in certain individuals’. 

A new industry could be born much akin to the safety cone and road sign industries: A ‘heat burns’ sign for the stove, ‘Water causes drowning’ on taps, ‘Electricity is shocking’ on the light fittings. 

Cars of course being more dangerous than either whiskey or light fittings must bear a more comprehensive message like ‘This is a poison-spewing people killer’. 

It may seem superfluous to put warning signs on guns given that they are specifically designed to kill things, however over recent years an inscription on hunters’ rifles saying ‘Identify your target’ and on police firearms saying ‘Point only at the bad guys’ might have saved a few lives and considerable time and bother.

There are signs though that are necessary beyond all others and should be worn by all politicians, government department employees, appointed district Commissioners, marketers, public relations consultants and corporate owned and controlled media personnel: ‘Warning! We will lie to you’ and ‘Danger! We do not want you to think for yourself’.

prof_worzel@hotmail.com