Worzels World - Money laundering terrorist exposed

 

Due to difficult circumstances, Professor Worzel was unable to write this column. Consequently all humorous satire has been cancelled until further notice and this weeks’ column is, as they say in the movies, based on real life events.

A Kiwibank customer for around a dozen years, I signed up in its early days to patronise a wholly New Zealand owned and operated bank – something our government doesn't do. I opened the account under the names of C. Sellars and Prof. Worzel and the cheque book has bourn both names ever since.

I got on pretty well with the lady I usually dealt with at Orewa branch. I often extolled Kiwibank’s virtues and have had no complaints regards their service, until I received a letter advising that they required more identification. I wondered: if this was required, why had it taken them 12 years to get around to it? I rang customer services endeavouring to address the matter and was advised that additional information was required due to 'anti money laundering and terrorism legislation'. This is law that I was unaware existed and with which I remain unfamiliar. No one was able to answer any of my questions. I ended up having to go to the branch that, during my long absence, had been remodelled.

The whole affair was frustrating and time consuming. I was gradually passed on up the food chain till I ended up arranging a call from one of the banks specialists. I was advised that he would call me at midday. He rang at 3pm. A serious man with a broad Scottish brogue, he couldn’t answer my questions either. However the last word from their customer services personnel was that all was in order and that I 'complied', yet I still had no idea what it was that I was complying with.

On Friday December 12, 2014, two weeks before Christmas, I discovered when endeavouring to access account information that my account, containing my money held in their bank had been frozen. They were denying me access to my funds. I am unaware of any part of my contract with Kiwibank that gives them authority to freeze my funds. If no such authority exists they have breached our contract.

A perusal of my accounts will reveal no connections with any terrorist organisation. The concept that I am a terrorist or indeed supporting terrorist activity is, of course, absurd. I am not saying a rocket propelled grenade launcher wouldn’t come in handy but I cannot afford one.

If the stories of 9/11 are true (and somehow I doubt it) then terrorists took down the World Trade Centre at a total cost of flying lessons, plane tickets and a few household tools. The complete destruction of these icons was achieved on a budget equivalent to a couple of month’s wages at a pizza joint. Death and destruction is affordable on a paupers pay and need not cost the billions spent by the US to bomb foreigners and operate drones assassinating suspect terrorists, women and children.

As for money laundering, I don‘t even launder my shirts. There is too little for a full load and not even Persil will remove the corrupt stench of filthy lucre. As every real Kiwi knows there is but one way to remove the curse of money and that is to spend it, preferably on beer.

Why did Kiwibank take such action when there already exists numerous taxpayer-funded organisations (GCSB, SIS, NZ Police, Serious Fraud Office, IRD, Customs, MAF etc) who are equipped and empowered (some would say over empowered) to deal with such matters?

I failed to make them understand that if compliance is necessary it is their compliance to their customers’ requirements that is important. Without any customers those employed by the bank must seek work elsewhere.

It took some time and no little inconvenience to rectify the situation and thaw out the frozen account. It is liquid once again. Sadly, due to his non-possession of passport or drivers licence good old Professor Worzel is to be forever denied access. I had no idea he was a money-laundering terrorist. I suppose he got off lightly as I heard they detained Santa Claus on suspicion of delivering presents to naughty children. The professor is now in hiding with a

year’s supply of chocolate convinced he is on a drone strike target list

The only question answered by Kiwibank was of the fate of Margaret, my efficient and common sense Kiwibank service provider. She had, unsurprisingly, become redundant during bank restructuring.

prof_worzel@hotmail.com

As for money laundering, I don‘t even launder my shirts. There is too little for a full load and not even Persil will remove the corrupt stench of filthy lucre. As every real Kiwi knows there is but one way to remove the curse of money and that is to spend it, preferably on beer.