Worzels World - Invasion of the hard hats

 

Information from several whistle-blowing informants leaking stolen information uncovered a campaign to curb what is thought to be an unhealthy binge working culture in the productive sector. My informants cannot be named but are generally known as ‘intelligent people having conversations.’

In the latest state sponsored initiative to stop people doing anything officious, bright-vested and hard hat wearing personnel are being sent to infiltrate private property and businesses throughout the land. Their task is to identify situations where blind people or those with IQ’s lower than sheep could conceivably come to grief. These are then noted in a register as ‘hazards.’ Given that the world is a hazardous place that kills everybody, such situations are not too difficult to spot.

My own place, being not particularly productive, is yet to be visited. A step ahead of them, I have already identified and listed all hazards. There are only two. One I have listed as ‘myself‘, the other is ‘everything else.’ I am amazed that neither have killed or severely injured me yet but this run of good fortune can’t possibly continue forever. If however I do drop dead of a heart attack you may call it an accident if you like. It is certainly not something I would do on purpose.

I spoke to a Maungaturoto farmer whose property has been managed by his family for over a century. All previous managers worked the property fatality free until the day they died. He reported a recent invasion of two ‘worksafe’ agents specially selected and trained to know nothing about the practicalities of productive work. Heavily armed with pamphlets, forms, lists of regulatory requirements and claiming wide-ranging powers to enter and annoy they proceeded to instruct him on requirements to adopt a plethora of unproductive and time consuming work practices. Sadly this farmer’s grandmother is no longer alive and was unable to receive instruction on how to safely suck eggs.

However despite the best efforts of the state there are still sections of the populace who are simply not getting the message and continue to work hard and show initiative. These rebellious risk-takers, battlers and innovators continue to stubbornly display the pioneer spirit that made New Zealand great.

Such resistance to the dictates of taxpayer-funded bureaucrats is ascribed to generations of poor role models like Burt Monroe and Edmund Hillary whose foolhardy and unsafe practices allowed them to achieve things. It is certainly difficult now to believe that not so far back in our brutal, savage unsafe past – when kiwis were made of sterner stuff than marshmallow and cotton wool – an unpaid rugby player played a test match with a broken arm. It has also been rumoured that this irresponsible individual, going by the name of Sir Colin, also ran around a farm chock full of hazards while carrying heavy things.

In the flat tarsealed paper shuffling world – where lattes flow like effluent in a cow shed and ideas are hatched like bush rats – exist people (and all of them annoying and destructive) for whom meat comes from supermarkets, milk from plastic bottles and manufactured items from China where the absence of compliance regulations have made it the world’s leading economy and most productive nation.

In this fantasy idyll that only exists in the unquestioning minds of bureaucratic functionaries there are no accidents or injuries and people only ever die of old age or brain rot in hospices. Their world has no room for such difficult and potentially dangerous things as land, trees, animals and machinery. Even people must be approached with caution under cover of clipboards and backed by appropriate legislation. It is well known in such circles that producers who earn export dollars are responsible for everything bad from climate change to harbour pollution.

Citing state-owned Solid Energy as an example, many believe that by diverting resources in the

productive sector from valuable work competently performed, to time-wasting needless activities unsuited to such people, the aim is to sabotage the few remaining productive enterprises still operating.

Others claim these measures are but a revenue collecting exercise initiated by a money hungry government and aimed at those who are perceived to possess some. It would seem logical that those looking for an easy dollar would target farmers, foresters, manufacturers and the like. It is these people who produce that which earns this country’s export dollars. Such claims are supported by a recent case where neither accident nor injury occurred yet a fine of $15,000 was levied for the crime of failing to wear a helmet on a quad bike. A nice little earner for the non-productive sector.

Whatever the reason, when they call at home I will cite a personal inability to learn other than by example. And I will insist my visitors undertake my daily tasks so as to show me how to do them safely. The only problem I foresee is that they may actually enjoy the satisfaction of getting a job done and then I’ll never get rid of ‘em.

Such resistance to the dictates of taxpayer-funded bureaucrats is ascribed to generations of poor role models like Burt Monroe and Edmund Hillary whose foolhardy and unsafe practices allowed them to achieve things.

prof_Worzel@hotmail.com