Worzels World - My private Jihad

 

A Jihad, so I am told, is a holy war and holy wars are everywhere these days. Indeed throughout history the participants on both sides of every conflict have claimed the moral high ground.

During the Second World War a popular American tune con-tained the lyric ‘Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition’. Although ‘Praise the Lord and turn the other cheek’ or Praise the Lord and love those who persecute you’ would have been more in accord with the doctrine of the particular Lord be-ing praised. Such lyrics may not have enjoyed so much radio play. The purpose of this aberrant patriotism was no doubt to strengthen the resolve of the young men sent to kill other young men in the cause of freedom and democracy.

I can only go on what I glean from the news so please correct me if I am wrong.

Iraq, a relatively sta-ble Middle Eastern state, was, as most of them are, ruled by a tyrant. This sovereign nation was invaded by foreign-ers on the false pretext of possessing 'weap-ons of mass destruc-tion'. Bombs and troops poured in. Amidst much death and destruction the tyrant was removed, infrastructure smashed, political structures dis-mantled, the country destabilised. The general population no longer en-joyed their previous high standard of living. Educa-tion and health care be-came inadequate. Many refugees fled the coun-try. People were regularly being shot in the streets or blowing themselves and others up. Those in

this occupied country (and increasingly ours as well) must be care-ful whom they associate with or they may find themselves absconded to a detention facility never to be seen again. As for ‘terror’, Iraqis who have survived the last eleven years must know it better than most.

Now a fertile ground for the harvesting of mal-

contents, various groups, labelled as terrorists by Western media, see op-portunities to gain influ-ence and power. Disaf-fected youth, like those at every time and on every side, are all too ready to rally under a banner.

Given that the initial cause of all these prob-lems was the invasion of Iraq, Western leaders

have decided that the so-lution to the problems is… the invasion of Iraq?

I do not understand it but then it is all hap-pening far away in a land and a culture of which I know little and under-stand less. I am more concerned with my own private Jihad.

Up here in the hills, I too, contend with terror-ist insurgents. Extrem-

ists all, they show more cunning and greater per-sistence than al-Qaeda or Isis. An 'axis of evil', they are trying to destabilise my ramshackle republic and wrest power from my tyrannical despotism. One such is that worldwide terrorist or-ganisation known as RAT (Rodents And Trai-tors). Usually preferring

subtle subversion rath-er than direct conflict they staged a bold coup last winter to gain oc-cupation of the ceiling high ground. A compre-hensive programme of increased surveillance and tightened securi-ty resulted in the arrest and summary execution of 30 insurgents. This was entirely legal under the strict fundamental-

ist precepts of Worzel’s Law practised here. I have raised the risk of fu-ture attack from 'Pretty bloody likely' to 'A dead certainty'. The price of liberty is eternal vigi-lance and I know they will be back.

Another group con-stantly conspiring to un-dermine the subtle ecol-ogy of my ramshackle

republic are POSSUM (Pests Of Supreme Sta-tus, Ultimately Malevo-lent). I have long known of the evil intentions of these extremist immi-grants. About two years ago I adopted a policy of systematic extermi-nation. The box trap was busy, the leg traps oiled and set and many a round was loosed into the fray. Unlike my Nazi counterparts I lost count at 60 rather than six mil-lion. The final tally of my own 'final solution' was in the hundreds.

When at last the ap-ple rotted, uneaten on the hook and traps sat unsprung for weeks I de-clared victory. Peace, if not democracy, reigned. I actually got to eat some mandarins off my own mandarin tree. The lo-quat tree flourished, spreading large succu-lent leaves skyward. A brighter future of man-darins and loquats beck-oned.

But alas, the spoils of conquest are short lived. Returning home recently

I surprised a POSSUM

night raid on the loquat tree. A short firefight en-sued with two possum

killed and collateral dam-age to the loquat tree. Since then another four have succumbed to my superior intelligence and greater military might.

I despair though of ever winning this war on terror or Rats or Possums or whatever. The more I kill the more turn up to take their place. The day must come when I will no longer be able to keep them in check. By sheer persistence and weight of numbers they will ul-timately prevail. Possum and Rat will have free reign and Worzel’s Law will cease. They will prob-ably pillage the kitchen and kill the loquat tree, which even now is mere-ly bare branches and rag-ged half-eaten leaves. But until then the battle goes on, and it’s ‘Praise God and pass the ammuni-tion’. „ prof_worzel@hotmail.com