Worzels World - Just one of the gang

 

 

I recently received an email from Police Minister, the Rt Hon Anne Tolley. I have no idea how she obtained my email address and can only conclude that it was via the police surveillance network. It was a pre-election propaganda page. I can summarise it thus: Gangs are bad and we’ll fix any problems they have or create. She promises a programme, a taskforce, stronger legislation, greater surveillance, and the identification of people at risk of joining gangs, which I imagine is everyone from six to sixty.

My experience of gangs is limited. I once picked up a half dozen hitchers wearing bulldog patches when driving a van down to the city and they were good passengers. I dropped them off downtown and they gave me a little present in appreciation of the trip. Everyone was a winner and it was warm fuzzies all round.

I was told that I played rugby against gang members. I was unable to identify them as gang members at the time. They had cunningly exchanged leather jackets for rugby jerseys. They looked and behaved just like players although perhaps not quite as well. My team won. The hospitality was good. Extortion and the drug trade were mostly limited to raffle tickets and beer.

That’s about it really. By and large the perceived gang problem has been no particular problem for me. I am still not altogether sure what a gang is. For all I know I might be one myself and it’s a daunting prospect being a gang of one.

When the ‘powers that be’ decreed that my $5 dollar booklet-type firearms licence was no longer sufficient to ensure a safe society, the new process not only entailed a fee in excess of the cost of my rifle and the installation of security measures ensuring the safety of all but the slowest possums, there was also the inevitable silly form to fill out.

‘Have you any gang affiliations?’ it asked. I ticked ‘Yes’.

‘If so, which gang(s)?’ the form further inquired.

I listed ‘Otamatea Rugby Club’ and ‘Maungaturoto Squash Club’.

At that time I was a patched member of both. I detest forms but was beginning to enjoy this one.

‘Have you ever been involved in any violent incidents?’

The questions were getting better. I ticked ‘Yes’ again. ‘If so, where and when?’

I wrote on the dotted line ‘Various parks on winter Saturdays at 2pm’.

‘Have the authorities been informed?’ ‘The authorities organise it’ I answered. I know not what happened to this form. I expect these days that it either languishes in a dusty Wellington filing cabinet or has been passed on to the security people. If it is the latter I may be arrested at any time for possession of a sense of humour detrimental to public safety. In due course my new, supposedly improved and vastly more expensive photo firearms licence arrived. Incidentally, the numbers of firearms offences since these changes were made has increased markedly.

So what is a gang? My computer dictionary (MS Word) gives five different meanings: ‘group of troublesome young people’, ‘group of criminals’, ‘people who enjoy each other’s company’, ‘group of workers’ and last, but certainly not least, ‘a set of tools’. The good ole Oxford English gives a shorter more overarching definition: ‘a band of persons acting or going about together’. Thus, armed with the most accurate information the English language can provide, we can reasonably extrapolate that a ‘criminal gang’ is ‘a bunch of tools acting illegally’.

What then do organised criminal gangs do? Do they meet in secret to conspire and break the law? Do they engage in lies and intimidation in order to obtain compliance with their wrongdoing and suppress opposition? Are they a burden financially and socially to their communities? Do some of the more powerful gangs have friends in politics who can pull a few strings and ‘fix’ things for them? Does this sound like the Mongrel Mob, Headhunters, Hells Angels or Ulysses Motorcycle Club to you?

Sounds more like the Kaipara District Council to me.

Thanks Ms Tolley, I realise now I have been a victim of a ‘criminal gang’ for years. As seems to be the case with thieves and robbers, as time passed they began demanding more and more, yet gave me nothing in return but threats and empty promises.

So I am pleased the problem of criminal gangs will be taken seriously. I am resolved to tender evidence and a complaint for immediate consideration. Perhaps then I’ll get some action on the only ‘criminal gang’ that has ever caused me any problems. The Kaipara District Council: ‘a bunch of tools acting illegally’. „

prof_worzel@hotmail.com

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