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MANGAWHAI'S NO.1 NEWSPAPER
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Worzels World - 'Tis the season....‘Tis the season to be jolly, or so the song goes. Yet this Christmas gloom hangs heavy over the North Pole economy. Having depended so heavily on the export of Christmas presents it seems that Santa and the elves are in for hard times. After major restructuring much of the elves work was outsourced to China and although production rates have soared, large numbers of unemployed elves have become a major social problem, as only elves can be. They place a significant social burden on the state and keep interfering with the reindeer.
Austerity measures at the poll have seen a lowering of living standards for the poor. Statistics suggest that in what was once a rich poll many elf children now live in poverty. These factors are expected to have a detrimental effect on levels of Global Jollyness. It appears that the privatisation of Christmas that was purported to produce better service for the public and bigger returns to shareholders has not produced the touted benefits.
In the wake of complaints from lobby groups who insist that an obese and jovial Santa is a poor role model for children, moves are afoot to produce a leaner meaner Santa Claus and the over-familiar Ho Ho Ho cry will be rebranded as No No No. I cannot claim to have heard this straight from the horses’ mouth, but a grass on the animal grapevine leaked the news that reindeer unrest may postpone delivery to many parts of the globe. Rudolph was unavailable for comment, however a spokesman for Rudolph Corp issued a statement saying that ‘giving the more popular reindeer better paddocks and more feed than they could possibly eat and which cannot be good for them was in the best interests of a stronger economy‘. Adding to the problems this year, reduced demand is expected due to a shortage of good children who deserve presents. This could sound the death knell for Christmas as we know it. Market analysts have concluded that this is a result of the recent global moral crisis and good person shortage. The Auditor General has been asked to write a report which is expected to be released about a year after it is too late to save the situation. The world’s church leaders, along with the Dalai Lama and the Burhampore Tai Chi Club have signed a joint statement requesting an immediate injection of Faith, Hope and Love that they believe will help redeem the situation. The scientific community refuse to comment on this saying they were unable to verify the claims under controlled laboratory conditions and more funding will be required to enable further research. Political leaders though have responded by proposing a blanket Love tax which will cover all acts of selflessness and goodwill. Instant fines will be issued for smiling in public and all other forms of inappropriate jollility. Voluntary work will be assessed at current market rates and a rigorous consent process will be established to keep the public safe from acts of random decency. Government agencies will advise anyone experiencing episodes of Faith or Hope to consult their GP immediately and receive the vaccination. However outside of the world of men and myths where I live, the sun is my constant companion but there has also so far been sufficient rain. The pohutakawa is in bloom and nature goes about her business heedless of the affairs of people. I stopped beside a maize crop the other day to make a cell phone call to a government agency. The maize grew significantly during the time I spent in the priority queue. The future of ‘the season to be jolly’ may hang in the balance but it is not yet gone. Banks and financiers may try to enslave us but they have not yet succeeded. Multinational corporations may try to control us but there are still many of us who refuse to be coerced. Our politicians may rob us but they cannot take what we do not own. Love and sunshine cannot be taxed and being jolly is not yet an offence. So I plan to be jolly this Christmas, even if it kills me. I’ve enjoyed writing this column again this year, hope you’ve enjoyed reading it. I’ve sent you all a present this year. See delivery notification below. Have a happy New Year.
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